On days like this, I need to know…

Two appointments. The same day. The same time. In two different cities. With results neither wanted to hear.

The one said your valve doesn’t open and close as it should. And it leaks too.

“well what does that mean?”

It means you have to wait and see. Wait to see your doctor. Your mitral valve is prolapsing. It isn’t working quite the way it should and its leaking too.

All that from something that happened fifty years ago.

Strept throat that quickly became scarlet fever that wasn’t treated quick enough and became rheumatic fever.

“Someday your daughter may have heart valve problems.”

They were right. That someday has come again. Mitral valve prolapse first reared its head in my 30’s and from then to my early 50’s I had to take enormous amounts of antibiotics anytime I went to see the dentist. Which may still be the reason why I don’t like going to the dentist to this day. 
And then all of a sudden they said it was gone.
It was still gone this time last year.
But now it has returned. 
I was a coronary care nurse for awhile, so I know what this could mean. If the leaks gets worse, I will have what we called a “valve job”; my mitral valve would need to be replaced. Usually by a pigs valve-which would probably mean I would want more bacon!! That doesn’t scare me. I was a young nurse who took care of patients like this, and I know there are plenty of well qualified nurses that would take care of me.

The other appointment 700 miles north was a bit more heart breaking.

“You may likely never conceive.”

” Someone should have told you LONG before this that you need to be seeing a fertility specialist.”

Not what either one of them wanted to hear. Their hearts want a baby of their own.

And now another surgery is needed.

Endometriosis is a very painful disease that seems only to get worse over time. Katie has suffered with it for nine years now and has had too many surgeries for me to remember the number.

Now after three years of marriage and having most of their friends have had babies, or are expecting one, they are thinking it might be the time.

But sometimes time isn’t on our side. 

With endometriosis, the more surgeries you have, the less likelihood of getting pregnant. 

It isn’t the end of the world if you can’t have a baby of your own. Its just the end of your dream.

That’s the hard part. So many little girls play with their dollies as they grow up and they begin the dream of one day being a mom, whether they realize it or not. Then to get the news that you might not be able to conceive, well it is a hard pill to swallow.

All those girls that get pregnant that didn’t mean to. All those sweet babies born to young teens. And then those who desperately want a baby, are not able to have one.

It just doesn’t seem fair or right.

And it hurts-it really hurts. And you have to adjust your dreams, and your thinking and begin to hope that maybe you could adopt. And then you realize how expensive that is-and well the list goes on and on.

Where is God in all this? Doesn’t He know your heart’s desire? Doesn’t he know how long you have dreamed? Does He  care?

YES.

He does know and yes, He does care.

And He is right there with you (us) through all of this.

He sees our tears. He knows our pain. And He weeps with us. because He is Our Father who loves us without any reservations or without any conditions and our pain is His pain.

Even when we scream at him, He keeps loving us.

I don’t get it. I don’t have His answers.

I don’t understand His ways. And sometimes-maybe a bit too often- I think I might know better than Him. How completely ridiculous of me.

I want God to change the game plan. I want Him to allow my daughter to have that baby she desires. His Word says that He longs to give us the desires of our hearts, so I question Him and wonder if He really really knows how this will affect her.

Again, my stupidity shows.

Of course He knows.

His ways are not always our ways. 

His thoughts are not like ours. ( see Isaiah 55).

But what I do know is that God is faithful.

He promises that He will not leave us or forsake us. (Hebrews 13:5),

He promises He will provide what we need (Phil 4:19).

He tells us over and over again:

“Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged” (Joshua-in many verses).

So through the dark times, through the hard trials, over my lifetime I have found God to be utterly faithful to me. Faithful in keeping His promises. Faithful in providing exactly what I need at exactly the perfect time.
So right now, at this moment, in this time, I purpose to trust God completely. For Katie and for me. And if I need to, I will trust Him enough for the both of us.
Because I know in the deepest places hidden in me, that God loves me so completely. And He loves Katie more than I could ever grasp.
On days like today, I need to know that God is there. That He won’t abandon me-even when I can’t comprehend His presence. And I need to remember His faithfulness-through all the years.

I KNOW……DO YOU?

It has been one of those weeks.
You know the kind where things appear OK but inside you feel uneasy and not quite settled.
I can’t put my finger on it. I just know that I feel a little “off”.
A bit down one minute and then melancholy the next.
Wondering if God is really there when it seems like He is absent.
And not knowing why is just aggravating.

For that reason alone- not knowing why, I decided to begin reading the book of Job this week .
If anyone has a reason to wonder if God is there and really cares about him, it is Job. In one day, his life was changed forever. All ten of his children died,  he lost his livestock-which were numerous and the means of his great wealth, and he had nothing left.
Then to make matters worse, his body became covered with painful sores from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet, and his sweet devoted wife tells him “to curse God”.  Not much support there.
Along comes three of his friends who sit with him for one week not saying a word and then begin to chastise him for not trusting God. One after the other begins to accuse him of some sin in his life, wondering if he cheated people or harbored ill thoughts.
Maybe you know those type of friends. The ones who come to you when you have been going thru a long trial of suffering and ask you ” Is there some sin you are hiding in your heart?”.  Not at all comforting and you begin to wonder what you might have done.

To go backwards a bit, Job’s troubles began when satan came to God’s throne and said he had been roaming throughout the earth. God then asked him:

“Have you considered my servant Job?”

Although I have read this story numerous times, this time I was struck by the fact that God is the One who initiated satan to tempt Job to forsake the LORD.
I guess He does that with us. He considers us and Job to be faithful. That we will stick to the fact that God can handle whatever comes our way. That , in the end, we will trust Him completely; that we believe He is faithful. That God will sustain, strengthen and give us exactly what we need during those times when life has us guessing if we can make it through this trial.

Oh, but it isn’t easy. And it isn’t pretty.
I know. 
I have had enough heart wrenching times in my life where it seemed that EVERYTHING was falling apart, that I couldn’t go on:

The unexpected, early death of my mom.
My sons running away from home because I had hurt them.
A child who was so distraught and depressed that they wanted to end their life.
My husband losing his job.
The death of my dad.

I could go on but I’m sure you get the picture that we all will go through really really hard times in our lives at some point. I hate to be the bearer of some not so great news but none of us goes through life unscathed. We will all face heart breaking, and what seem to be unsurmountable obstacles that have the capability of side-swiping our faith, causing us to doubt if God is even there. It is just what happens.

In the 19th chapter of Job, in the middle of hearing his friends reasonings of why all these horrible things have occured, Job says:

” I know that my Redeemer lives”

 So I began thinking of how it is that I know my Redeemer lives and came up with the following:

• Because I know in the core of my being that YOU love me deeply and without conditions.
• Because You forgive me-over and over again of my same sins.
• Because You have upheld me and given me strength and courage to go on in the darkest moments.
• Because You have allowed me to keep living when someone I love was taken too early from my life.
• Because You have never given up on me- when I have felt like giving up.
• Because You have sustained me and sustained those I love and deeply care about- in the hardest times of our lives.
• Because Your Grace has kept me.
• Because You use me-that in itself is a miracle

I also know that my Redeemer lives:

•  Even when I don’t understand Your ways and Your plans.
• Even when it seems some of my prayers go unanswered.
• Even when life gets so HARD that I wonder how I will keep going on, of how someone I love can keep gong on
• Even when a situation, problem or trial seems helpless and unending.
• Even when it appears to me that You are absent and don’t care, because deep down I know you really do.

My life’s heartaches and troubles have not been as difficult as Job’s, but there have been times when I questioned God. 
It was so comforting to read those words today “that I know my Redeemer lives”.
I know He does.
Do you?



 

my little story in His grand story

Psalm 31:7a
I will be glad and rejoice in Your love.

Whoa, did that catch me off guard this morning.
Do I rejoice in God’s love for me?
I realized this morning that I should, but do I?

What about those times when life completely sideswipes you?
We all have had those times, and if you haven’t, trust me, they will come.

What if you were just laid off your job?
What if you heard that those pains you were having, was actually Stage 4 cancer?
What if that relationship that you thought was going to last forever ended? 
 If you thought the special person you were dating was “THE ONE”? and they now say they aren’t and “I’m sorry.”
Or maybe your spouse of 10, or 20, or 30 and even 40 plus years, says they are done and they want out. “I want a divorce.”
What if your child gets a terminal disease? And then they die?
Or your beloved spouse, or someone in your family or closest of friends dies?
What if your boss tells you they are transferring you across the country or even across the world?
What if your teen gets into trouble? Whether by drugs or a pregnancy ?
What if an accident leaves you unable to work??
What if you can’t get into the college or grad school of your choice?
What if you flunk out of college?
What if you have prayed over and over to be healed of a long chronic illness and you still have it?

These type of questions certainly can cause us to question God’s love for us.
But the Bible tells us that He says:
 ” I have loved you with an everlasting love. I have drawn you with loving kindness” Jeremiah 31:3

Maybe His love is different than ours.
I most assuredly believe His love is different than mine.

I wouldn’t have had my parents get a divorce.
I wouldn’t have had my mom die when I was 21.
I wouldn’t have had my two sons run away because of my anger.
I wouldn’t have had a daughter become anorexic.
I certainly wouldn’t have had a child try to end their life.
I wouldn’t have moved to the “middle of nowhere”.

But these things have happened in my life.

Romans 8:28 tells us “that God causes everything to work for good to those who love God , and who are called according to His purpose”.
He did not say that all things were good.
He said He would work things out for good.
Why? Because He does love us.

I am so grateful to my grown children who recommend books and bible studies to me. Last fall they told me about “The Story”.
The Story is by Randy Frasee and it basically is a book that tells us about God’s story-from Genesis to Revelation. 
There is the Upper Story, which is God’s story of how much He loves us and will do EVERYTHING to reconcile us to Himself; including sacrificing His precious Son’s life-so that we could have a relationship with Him.
The Lower Story is our story. What God uses in our lives-to show us that He wants to align us with His Upper story. To bring us back to God and that relationship that He always envisioned us having with Him.

Is it always fun?
NO.
Is it painful?
Sometimes it is ever so painful?
Is it to help us understand that God wants a deep relationship with Him?
ABSOLUTELY YES.

To we always get it? No. Most of the time I don’t get it during those hard times. It comes afterwards. When you see the hands of God knitting and fashioning our story to meet up with His wonderful Upper Story.
God ALWAYS works with our best interest in mind.
He works things out because of His deep love for us.
He catches us off guard to make us realize we were never meant to do life apart from Him.

Do we have to know the hows and whys? NO we don’t have to, but we certainly want to. It is like the parts of the Bible that didn’t get written. Those parts when we wondered what happened after? Or wonder how that person felt? Those parts of God’s story that He didn’t think were necessary for us to know. Those questions that remain unanswered, because what we wonder isn’t really all that important to know.

Do I believe God loves me? 
YES with everything within me. I don’t always understand His ways, and I don’t necessarily need to understand.
What I do know is that all those hurts and pain I mentioned earlier, happened and because they did, they drove me to God. Drove me to seek solace and comfort from Him. To cling to God because I had no other place to go. It was God’s way of showing me that HE LOVES ME, that He will never leave me alone.

Today I am rejoicing in His love. 
His love has carried me when nothing else could.               
  
          

Those kind of days

Its a day like most every other. You get up and get on with whatever you know you are to do-whether it be going to school or work, watching the kids, doing housework and errands, looking for jobs, following up on your “to do” list.

And then without a moment’s notice, your life is turned upside down.

The doctor called and told you to come in, and discovered its cancer.

You get a phone call and find out that someone you love has just died.

You get called into the boss’ office and find out your job has been eliminated, you are laid off immediately.

One of you children has been bullied so much and the principal calls and tells you they have been hurt.

You show up to class and your prof passes out an unexpected exam and you haven’t studied or been to class in 2 weeks.

Your spouse tells you that they are out…never really loved you.

Or perhaps its a breakup with someone you thought was “the One”.

A suicide attempt turns your world upside down.

You can’t bear another day without work, or in chronic pain, or children complaining and demanding of you.

You or your spouse is being immediately transferred and all of a sudden you have to leave friends and family.

YOUR WORLD COMES CRASHING DOWN AND YOU ARE LIFE HAS TURNED UPSIDE DOWN.

WHAT DO YOU DO??

There’s a story in the Old Testament about a very good King named Hezekiah. He truly was one of the few kings over hundreds and hundreds of years that wanted to follow and obey God. The story comes from the book of 2 Kings chapters 18-19. Hezekiah has done exactly what God has commanded, everything . He seeks God continually and others begin to follow his example.
Then one day he gets word that the King of Assyria is going to come and destroy Jerusalem and offers Hezekiah a way out if he will pay him and basically bow down to him.

Hezekiah has done everything the LORD asked of him. Way more so than any other King in all of Israel’s history.
And this is what he gets?? You are going to be routed, destroyed and possibly killed.

Have you ever felt like that?  I have.
I’ve tried to pursue God passionately. I really do try to obey Him in all things-altho I do slip up and have the occasional “I want what I want when i want it” attitude.
And yet, there have been multiple multiple times when life has come crashing down on me. Just doesn’t seem FAIR.

What did Hezekiah do?? He tore off his robes, put on a sack cloth and ashes ( I know a bit drastic for us, but the custom of his day) and goes into the temple of the Lord and spreads out the papers with all of the Assyrian king’s threats and promises and cries out to God for help.

This is a fundamental life lesson for me; and I have to admit it has taken me years to learn to do this.
When life throws you the ultimate curve ball: GO IMMEDIATELY TO THE LORD.
Don’t go to your spouse, or your parents or your siblings or your best friends. Altho you will need them during this tumultuous time, our first inclination should be TO GO TO GOD.

After all, GOD is not surprised by ANY of WHAT HAPPENS to us. HE KNOWS. HE KNEW.
And HE wants to be there for us. He wants us to come to Him first.
He may not give us the answers of why or when this will stop or how can we possibly endure. BUT HE WILL BE THERE.
His Word promises us that ” I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU . I WILL NEVER FORSAKE YOU.”

That may not seem like an immediate comfort. But really it is. Because He also promises to provide us with strength to endure and cope. That may come from our friends or family. It may come from just reading/ skimming thru the Bible-but IT DOES COME.

Oh that we would be like Hezekiah. So that when life tends to blindside us, we run to the LORD and let Him know we need Him…need Him desperately.

That outcome to Hezekiah”s plea? The Assyrians heard that they were being attacked elsewhere and fled from Jerusalem. I don’t think that was a coincidence. I truly believe it was a GOD INCIDENT.
I pray that we see and become more aware of those God incidences in our lives.

More to this LIFE???

Maybe its because the last two weeks have been filled with heart ache, sorrow and grief. Maybe its because I have been so sad for dear friends who have lost a loved one. Maybe the two deaths within 10 days of each other has me melancholy. Or maybe its because I’ve wondered if there’s more to this life than living and then dying -and wondering what is the deal with the in between, the years after birth and before death.
Ecclesiastes 3:11 says;
” God has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end”
Eternity?? in the hearts of men??
I have missed that lately. Why is it that we think this life, the one we are given to live on earth is all there is?? And we don’t even know the length of this time we have.
27 years old-that is not enough time in my eyes. But God’s eyes are different. He has the eternal perspective. The perspective of living on forever and ever. Of having eternity without pain and struggle and the storms of life. God has put into our hearts an eternal perspective; one that allows us to look beyond the routine of this life.
But do we??
I’ve lost sight of that. I see friends in grief, friends struggling with many different issues, families torn apart by tragedy and the unfairness of this life.
I’ve watched my own family struggle with health issues.
I have friends fighting cancer that eats away at their bodies.
I have one of my summer staffers from June struggling to breathe and make his muscles move in an undetermined illness.
I know people desperate to get out of the mental anguish they are enduring-wishing to be free from the demons that plague them.
YES, there has to be more to this life.
There is the promise of living forever with the ONE who created us and the entire universe we live in.
A promise of a life free from pain, worries and tears.
Do I believe GOD in what He says? Absolutely. Because otherwise none of this life would make sense.
Do I realize tho that what I do here on earth has an impact on eternity?? That everything I do here should be done for the glory of God? Sometimes, so many things I do seems insignificant and what I think would have no eternal purpose. But what do I know about God’s eternal purposes??
Not really that much. But what I do know is that whatever I do here on earth is preparing me for eternity. Preparing me to serve Christ forever. Preparing me to see those I have loved that have gone before me and preparing me to greet those that will come after me.
I truly believe that we NEED to live, we MUST live with more of an eternal perspective. Realizing that what we do day to day is important to Our Father in heaven. And that what we do should honor God each and everyday that He has given us on this planet.
O LORD GOD, Please help me to live with Your eternal Perpsective each day.

I wanna be Like JOB

Because of the course of events right now that are affecting my life and the lives of many that I know, I started reading the book of JOB in the Bible late last week.
Mind you, I am not reading fast at all. I’m trying to take in what happened to Job and how he dealt with the unfairness of his life.
If you are unfamiliar with this little book, in the first chapter, satan, the enemy of God tells him that he has been roaming the earth. Then GOD asks satan if he has considered his servant Job.
I read thru the Bible every year-so I know I’ve read this before, but I was astounded that God is the ONE who pointed out Job to His enemy. Then he lets satan loose to wreck complete havoc on Job’s life. In a matter of hours, Job loses almost everything. He loses his livestock, his plants and worst of all, he loses all ten of His children.
I can’t even fathom this type of LOSS.
And what does my new hero Job do?? After tearing his clothes and putting on sackcloth, he worships the Lord.
WOW. AMAZING.
And that is just what the Parson and May families did too, when they lost dear Katie.
That’s what I would hope I could do…but could I?
Then satan returns to the presence of the LORD and GOD again asks him to consider his servant Job.
Satan responds that Job hasn’t forsaken God because his life wasn’t touched. His own physical being. What i forgot to mention above is that in God’s first conversation about Job with satan, he tells satan that he just can’t touch Job’s life.
This time, God tells satan he can’t take Job’s life.
So what does that enemy do?? He infects Job with boils, and burns and blisters that ache, and ooze and are extremely painful.
Job’s faithful little wife says to her husband (probably in her deepest grief) “Curse God and die”.
I have to admit, I probably might do this too, if I had suffered her losses.
But Job just calls her a foolish woman and says “Can we accept only good from God? and not the evil things? and again he says” Blessed (or Praise) be the name of the Lord”.
Again….probably NOT my first response. But oh how I wish it would be.
So as I look at the suffering and the losses that are occuring this very week:
the Parsons and May families grieving the loss of precious Katie,
my sweet friend Amy, watching her father die and hoping that his suffering will end today,
to the Gray family in Arizona, fighting to live, Praying and pleading with Our Father, to heal Troy-to allow Kelly and their kids to enjoy a long life with him,
for Jamie Lisea’s family, who are trying to do what is best for her sweet dad Bob,
and for my dear dear Hoch family, who have no idea what the future holds, but who most definitely know WHO holds the future; I hope and pray, all of us suffering and grieving with our friends, that we too, will be like Job, and praise and worship the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY.
Because HE is in control. HE does see what is happening, HIS heart is breaking and aching along with all of us. And that for us to remember, that all of this suffering, pain and loss, was NEVER a Part of HIS plan. HE envisioned this all so differently. And that is what eternity will be like for us.
Again, I am looking forward to eternity.